Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you want to let the f-bombs fly but your current surroundings frown upon such activities? Let’s use Chuck E. Cheese as an example. Imagine this, if you will; you’re at Chuck E. Cheese coming off the best skee ball game of your life, when from across the room you spy a single piece of pizza sitting helplessly on the table. No doubt the last piece of pizza. Naturally, you are famished from your victory over the five year old girl who dared challenge your skee ball skills. The same girl that was taunting you ten minutes earlier. She will taunt you no longer.

You quicken your pace to ensure your dominance over the little slice of heaven that awaits you. Blinded by delight, you bustle through the crowd with a blatant disregard for gracefulness. When out of nowhere, bam, you stub your toe on the coin dispensing machine. I’m not talking about a light graze of the big toe here. I’m talking about the stub to end all stubs. The kind that sends shock waves through your body. So what do you do? Bottle it up? No, that’s a one way ticket to serial killerville. And screaming words like “HECK” or “SUGAR” just don’t cut it. In fact, sometimes it makes you even more angry for saying something so stupid. Well don’t fret little one because I have a solution for you. Allow me to let you in on a little secret that sci-fi writers have used for years to baffle and confuse the TV censors while still maintaining the power and audacity of the curse word. I truly believe that we can use this same formula in real life situations.

Below, I’ve compiled a small list of curse words used in popular science fiction TV shows and movies. These words used to be reserved for the geek elite. Oxymoron you say? I think not. Try these words in any real life situation and feel the satisfaction you receive while at the same time preserving your self-respect.

• Goram - from the T.V. show Firefly – A very nice word to add to your arsenal.
• Ruttin - from the T.V. show Firefly – Another word I really enjoy tossing around.
• Frag - from the T.V. show Babylon 5 – Not bad, but there are too many other meanings for Frag.
• Dren - from the T.V. show Farscape – You’ll find that this word adds a bit of color to any conversation.
• Frell - from the T.V. show Farscape – Be careful with this one, it’s very powerful.
• Nerf Herder – from the movie Star Wars – I’m not sure these are actually considered curse words, but I am sure you don’t want to be called one.
• Frak - from the T.V. show Battlestar Galactica – My personal favorite. I frak’n use it all the time.

Commit these pseudo swears to memory and you will never be caught in that awkward curse-free position again. Not at Chuck E. Cheese, not at Disney World, not even in your sons kindergarten class.

“Stop throwing the frakking playdough Tommy.”

See how easy it is, and fulfilling. But don’t stop reading yet, I saved the best for last. I’ve actually created the ultimate curse word and I plan to unveil it right here, right now, on this website. It wasn’t easy. As a matter of fact, it’s still in the beta testing phase, so I take no responsibility if anything were to go wrong. Use it wisely and responsibly my friends. Are you ready for it? Can you take the suspense?

Wow. This my friends is the swiss army knife of curse words. It’s compact, and yet delivers a powerful punch. Hate your job? Crunk it! Have a problem with me? Crunk you! Hit your thumb with a hammer? Son of a Crunk! Perhaps you like to talk dirty to your lady friends. Hey baby, you look Crunkolicous!….. Snap!

Now I know this word has other meanings in the world of slang, but none so profound as what I’m offering. I mean come on, drunk and high? Crunk? Please! This word is far to intense for such a lame definition. Consider what I’m trying to create.

It’s bold enough to stop your target in it’s tracks, and yet subtle enough to fly under most radars. Let me give you a real life example I use at work.

{phone ringing}

Me >>
Hello, how can I help you?

Customer >>
Yeah, how do you justify the fact that your prices are much higher than your competitors? Maybe I’ll just take my business elsewhere.

Me >>
Listen, what the crunk to you want from me!! We need to make some crunkin money too you know. Crunk It!

Customer >>
{silence}

At this point the customer is disoriented. He is trying to comprehend what just happened. Let’s continue.

Me >>
Listen Sir, I’m sorry about my outburst and I see your point. Perhaps we should just forget this call ever took place.

Customer >>
Oh, umm, okay. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I’ll send my payment in right away.

Me >>
Not a problem. Have a nice day sir.

Customer >>
Thank you, you too.

Me >>
………crunk

Customer >>
{silence}

Me >>
//click//

As you can see, “Crunk” is a very useful word for all kinds of situations. Feel free to use the above example as a template. But that’s not all, if you act now I’ll throw in my level two curse word Schmint. This versatile word can be used as a stand-alone swear:

“It smells like schmint in here!!”

Or used in combination with others:

“You crunking son of a schmint!”

See how the two words complement each other so well. With a little practice you can put together more complex sentences like the one below:

“I frakked the crunk out of that schminter!”

Ouch. A little warning though, don’t try something like this until you’ve mastered the art of sci-fi cursing. We don’t want any accidents.

Now that you have the basic formula for success, go out into the world and put it to practice. Good luck to you all. And always remember our motto, “Is that crunk I smell?” “When in doubt, crunk it!” “May the Schmint be with you.”. Well, we don’t really have a motto, but good luck anyways.